Thursday, February 4, 2010

Don't need a dream interpretation for this one

I keep having this dream.  Night after night I wake up in a cold sweat and I can't shake the feeling all day.

When I was in college I studied abroad in Greece (yasu malakas) with a group of theatre kids.  It was an amazing trip and we were able to experience things I can't to this day explain without getting a little emotional.  At one point we went to the Olympic Stadium.  Yes, THE Olympic Stadium.  It was an amazing place but also very, very, very high up on the side of a cliff.  Basically you walked straight up the side of the mountain/cliff on slippery ancient rocks.  Add the fact that I am terrified by heights and you can picture the relaxing adventure.  Trying to be a trooper I hiked up the hill and tried to be brave.

Also with the group was the son of the professor who was leading the trip.  I think he was about 3ish?  I was young so I didn't have the "mommy gene" yet to remember things like that.  Noah was a cute kid but he was also a little boy (and now with the added "mommy gene" I completely understand him in a totally new way).  As a little boy he had absolutely NO fear level.  He trusted the world and didn't see that anything could possible go wrong. 

So, here we were, high up on slippery rocks, cliff like rocks.  The rocks jutted out from the side of the mountain and the Greeks weren't big on handrails back then.  Basically one little misstep and you would plunge to your death.  Maybe it wasn't really this bad but again, I am terrified of heights.  I had actually started to relax just a little bit when I turned around and saw Noah perched on the edge of a rocky area and leaning forward to look over the side.

My heart stopped.  I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think.  The world melted around me and all I could see was Noah.  I knew he was going to fall and there was no way that I could get to him in time.  I tried to open my mouth to scream but nothing came out.  I literally was frozen by fear.  The time kept slipping by and I knew that I was going to be too late because any second he was going over the edge.

A few seconds later (although it felt like hours) his mom came by and scooped him up in her arms and kept walking and chatting with the person next to her.  I didn't understand.  She didn't seem panicked.  She wasn't freaking out.  It was like nothing had happened.  And I melted.  I broke down and had to be helped down the mountain.  I never made it into the actual Olympic Stadium because the panic was too strong...

I never will know if the situation was actually as dire as I thought it was at that moment.  I wasn't able to go to the spot and see if it actually would have played out the way my mind had pictured it or if in fact it was just a little drop that Noah could have easily jumped.  I never let myself even talk about what had happened because the fear was too strong.

In the dream I am hiking up the mountain with my friends.  I am young and carefree and have my entire future in front of me.  I am tan and a bit hungover from a night drinking Amstel in a taverna with handsome Greek men and a group of incredible women.  I am a bit scared because of the heights but I am strong enough to keep pushing myself to the next level.

Then I turn and I see a little boy standing on the edge of the rocks.  He is leaning forward trying to peek over the edge.  The panic sets in and I know that he is going to fall.  My heart stops, I can't move,  I can't breathe, I can't think.  The world melts away and all I can Truman.  My son.  My son is standing on the rocks about to fall off the edge and I am frozen by fear.  I look for the mom to come and rescue him from the ledge until I realize that I am the mom.  I am the one who is supposed to calmly scoop him up.  And I can't.

Night after night the dream ends here and I wake up in a cold sweat.  I don't need a dream interpretation for this one.  It is perfectly clear.


  1. Oh darlin'. This breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you're going through such a horrifyingly scary time. I'm thinking of you.

  2. This post was hearbreaking and beautiful. I need a tissue!

  3. Oh man, that is intense. And yes, crystal clear. I'm so so sorry for the dream, Becca. I promise they will stop soon.

    If this is about our trip to the Stadium at Delphi then YES it really was that scary.