Sunday, January 31, 2010

Scout Afternoon

Scout and I had the chance to spend the afternoon together and it was fantastic.  It was nice to focus all of my energy on her and her needs.  She was happy to have me all to herself too.

I never realized just how hard it is to have more than one child.  And it isn't the daily living that makes it so difficult.  It is the guilt of not giving enough to either child.  It is the impossible task of having enough time to give each one special time while trying to juggle the needs of the other.

Because Scout is so much older than Truman it is easier in some ways and much, much harder in others.  She had almost 6 years of mommy and daddy all to herself.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to share us...even with her brother that she loves more than pizza.  There are moments I see it in her eyes and it just kills me.  She would never, ever say that she doesn't want her brother but you can tell that she misses our little family of 3.  And to be honest there are moments that I do as well.  Ahh, the imperfect mother comes out!

I love my son more than I can ever articulate.  He is a light in my life.  He is a part of me that I didn't even know was missing.  There are moments that I am so filled with my love for him that I almost burst.

But sitting on the floor today playing board games with my little girl made me a little sad for the simplicity of life before there were two.  I know it is horrible...but it is real.

On the other side I also feel guilty that Truman will never know life as an only child.  He will never be the center of our world like Scout was for so long.  There are times when I wonder how I am ever going to be give him everything that I gave to Scout...the time and energy, the complete focus of life.  I was able to stay home with Scout for almost 2 years.  With Truman I was back at work by the time he was 2 months.

So today I gave my energy over to Scout for an afternoon of board games and mommy time.  We had a blast.  But when Truman woke up from his nap both Scout and I were ready to see that little grin and tickle his tummy and shower him with hundreds of kisses.

With everything that was "lost" growing our family by one, so much more was gained.  Scout and Truman have a sibling which is a blessing that can never be taken away.  As for me I am going to find more time for special moments with each of the kids and always try to remember that in the end it is quality not quanity that really matters.

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