Sunday, March 28, 2010

Easter Bunny!

We had the Easter Bunny visit the bank this weekend.  So far Truman doesn't seem scared of the crazy things we subject our children too like Santa and giant walking rabbits...

We had a great time and Scout and Truman got to get some eggs and a little bunny snuggle time.

I swear he looks like he is thinking "what the heck is THAT" in this picture...but he actually gave him a big grin right before this shot was taken.  My stupid camera takes way too long to actually get the shot and I seem to miss the good ones. 

Thursday, March 25, 2010

People Bug Me.

WARNING!  This is a rant blog.  I am having a moment.  I am filled with this particular complaint and I need to release it into the universe or I am going to explode.  I know it is stupid and I know that I am about to sound ungrateful.  I recognize that and yet it is going to come out anyway.  Don't continue reading if you don't want to potentially be annoyed by the craziness that is me.  You have been warned...

Why do people ask questions that they don't really want to hear the answer too?  I admit that I do it as well.  Some are standard...for example when you ask someone "How are you today?"  You don't really want to know, exactly, how someone is doing.  You don't want to hear that there dog threw up on their shoes, they had stomach issues all night and that a car almost hit them on the way to work.  The expected answer is "fine" or "OK" or even "hanging in there."  This isn't to say that you don't care about someone or that you think there lives are not worth listening is just that you don't have the time or energy at that moment to talk about the intimate details.  If I want to REALLY know I would say, "hey, how are things?  I want to catch up!"

So my big whiny problem? 

Everyday I am asked about how Truman is doing.  People I know well, people I have met for 5 minutes, people who I don't really like, etc., etc. all of them ask in the "how are you today" way about Truman's health. I realize that I have put myself out there with this blog.  I also know that, like my very first blog explained, that I am "out there" in my community.  My dad and mom are talkers and end up sharing more info than I typically would.

I don't really know what people actually know about Truman's health.  Do they know everything we have been through and are asking about the current situation?  Do they not know anything at all and just remember that I recently had a child?  Is it a random question to ask to keep conversation going?  What do they really want to get from that question?

So, I tend to treat it as I would a "how are you."  I respond with a "doing OK," "hanging in there," "growing big!", etc. etc.  To be honest, most of the time it is really, really hard for me to actually talk about it all anyway.  I'm sure it doesn't seem that way by reading my blog...but face to face, dealing with the actual words, sympathetic looks, and actually SAYING it out loud, makes me a little sick to my stomach.

Sometimes people push.  They keep asking more questions.  They keep trying to get more information.  I try to remain positive and up beat.  I try to put on my best Becca smile and just pretend like talking about it isn't literally tearing me apart. They want details.  What a could happen if a certain diagnosis is made.  I don't deal with these thoughts on my own...let alone with random people. There are times that I walk away from someone and have to literally get control of myself so I don't break down.

So if I am honest about what is going on with either tears me apart or I can tell that the person is hitting that "TMI" point and I don't know how to stop talking.  OR if I say that he is OK...the person's face brightens up and with a big grin they say something like, "Oh thank goodness that is over." or "So happy to hear everything is better."

Yup.  Over.  Better.  Exactly what is going on...

And my biggest pet peeve?  The one that makes me want to poke someone's eyes out?

"Well he looks like everything is normal"
"He looks healthy enough to me!"
"I don't know why you are so concerned or doing all the testing...he looks just fine to me."

I appreciate your medical opinion.  Now shut up and get away from me.

Or the "I know someone's child" know the ones...

"I have a friend who's daughter didn't walk until she was almost 2." 
"I know this guy who had a bunch of medical problems when he was little and now he is 6 feet tall and plays football." 
"You never know what can happen, a friend just told me a story about a little boy who was supposed to die from this horrible disease and now he is about to graduate from college."

Thanks.  It is great to hear that good things have happened to other people.  Now shut up and get away from me.

I know it sounds horrible.  I know I sound like a total bitch who can't even appreciate that people care (or at least want to look like they do) and that no one has a set of rules for how to deal with this type of thing.  I get it.  I do.  And most days I handle it.  Most days I can swallow it down and hold my tongue and only cry when I am by myself...

Today not so much.  Today I want to tell the world to just THINK before you speak.  Imagine if every time you spoke to someone that they brought up the most emotional, difficult, frustrating, scary thing that has ever happened to you and want you to update them on how things are going...

"How are you doing today?  And how are you dealing with your Mother's death?" 
"Whats up lady?  Anything new on the miscarriage front?" 
"So good to see you!  How is bankruptcy going for you?"

I'm done.  This is way too long of a blog about my own stupid hang ups.  It is now out of my body and I can work on moving past it.  I appreciate you sticking with me this long if you actually made it this far.  And please, don't over think it.  Don't start worrying about what YOU might have said to me, or if you did any of these things...I really don't have a list of names of people that have done it running in my mind.  In fact if pushed I don't think I could give a direct example. 

But I do encourage you to think about the people in your life that are going through something difficult.  I'm not suggesting that you ignore the elephant in the room--just be thoughtful of how you approach him.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


The one thing about everything that has happened this year is that I have learned about perspective.

For example...a few years ago a KU loss like today would have put me in a funk for weeks.  I would have been mad and yelled and thrown things at the TV.  I would have cried a little maybe.

But now? 

I get to enjoy the moments of watching the game in bed with my daughter.  Giggling and holding hands and jumping up and down.  I get to think about how great it was to spend most of the game just hanging out with her and flipping back in forth between the game and iCarly.  When we lost Scout had a few tears...but they were the innocent tears of feeling bad for "her Jayhawks" not because of some bad call or missed opportunity.  Then I went downstairs to see Truman waking up from his nap in his Daddy's arms.  Chad held him the entire game so he too didn't get to yell and throw things.  Truman stretched his little arms up and wrinkled his face in that adorable baby way of waking up.  He popped his eyes open and saw me and gave a huge grin.  Completely oblivious to the fact that anything in the world could possible be wrong because he got to wake up to see his Mommy.

Perspective is a good thing. 

Rock Chalk.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I've got a new body part...

My son.  He has decided that I am his chosen one.  He literally is attached to me whenever it is physically possible.  At first it was sweet.  Now I am starting to go a little crazy.

I'm OK if he doesn't see me, so I have taken to hiding from my child!  I also can speak if it is possible for him to hear me.

He literally screams and cries until I "save" him from whoever happens to have him--Daddy, grandparents, cousins, etc.  He is also not a fan of his tiny-k physical therapist now either.  He used to love he hides his face in my lap.


I love my child.  Everyone knows how much I love this boy.  But sometimes you have to use the bathroom, or shower, or just BE ALONE!  I manage to do it all at night after he goes to sleep.  Which has recently become later and later because he wants to look at me.  It is like he knows that I will put him down after he falls asleep and he doesn't want to be without me.  And yes, I do rock him to sleep.  Cue the advice that I have messed up my child's sleep schedule for life...but for months we couldn't lay him down on his back because he would choke and stop breathing.  So, we "slept" with him on our chests so he could lay on his stomach to sleep and the movement of our breathing would help prevent the deep sleep that causes SIDS.  I used quotes because I'm not sure I ever really slept during that time period.  I rested.  So once he was able to roll himself over his doctor said it was safe for him to sleep on his stomach...but I still freaked out and was with him for several months...and I admit, even now sometimes when he is not feeling well.

Hmm...I just realized in my writing this all out that it is all my fault that he is so clingy.  I have been clingy to him all these months.  He learned from me.  Now cue the guilt.

But, I still need to go to the bathroom occasionally...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Truman is going to be famous!

Or at least famous in Lawrence.

We shot a new commercial today for the company I work for and Truman was a star!  He was so adorable and did such an amazing job.  He had a small break down at first when someone else was playing is "mommy" but once he realized that I hadn't actually left he turned on the charm.  He smiled when asked, waved his little arms, and played with the "daddy" character just like a good boy.

I'm such a stage mom!

I don't have pictures yet but I'll post some as soon as I can.  The commercial should hit the air in the next few weeks!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Brother and Sister Time

Truman adores Scout.  And Scout is pretty much over the moon about her brother.  Occasionally I catch a moment that just makes me smile.  A moment where I realize how blessed they are to have a sibling.  A moment where I realize that no matter what they have each other.  It is usually something simple.

Truman loves to be near Scout and Scout usually insists on it.

Even when playing Wii!  

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Scout Channels Cleopatra

Ms. Scout has a flair for the dramatic and LOVES getting into make-up.  We play beauty shop frequently and we both end up looking like we belong on a corner...

My mom had her the other day and Scout talked her into beauty shop.  My mom is the guru to my product junky craziness.  The woman has more make-up than anyone should.  She called me to warn me that the results of beauty shop were going to be coming home because Scout had a "dress in mind to match the make-up."

She then proceeded to tell my mom all about Cleopatra.  Apparently she has a lot of info on the lady!  I'm sure it is a Raintree thing...but Scout told her the whole story.

We decided we needed a Cleo Fashion Shoot to show off their hard work.
Work it!  Own it!

Look at those eyes! 

**My mom was trying to figure out a "symbol" for Egypt and came up with a star.  Afterward, Scout looked at herself in the mirror and asked he why she used the star.  My mom told her she couldn't think of anything else that would be Egyptian...and Scout looked at her like she was crazy and said, "Mommo...seriously?  How about a pyramid?  Don't tell me you don't know about the pyramids!"  Mom laughed at her own stupidity and at the fact that a 6 year old called her out on it!

Truman's Birthday Party

I thought I would share a few pics from Truman's birthday party.  We had a great time.  I'm still adjusting to the fact that he is actually a year old!

We had a monkey theme for our monkey boy.  Yes, that is a giant blow up monkey that I purchased online.  I lost my mind a bit with the monkey theme.
We had the whole gang here including both sets of grandparents, the aunts and uncles and cousins.  Including my niece Kennedy who Truman adores.  We enjoyed a dinner of lasagna, salad and garlic bread.  Truman loves pasta.

Truman is a bit spoiled...we went overboard of course with the gifts.
His big gift was a Cozy Coupe.  I have always wanted to get one of these.  He was super excited...but,

I think that I was almost more excited...can you tell?
Baby at the wheel!  Can you see his monkey t-shirt?  I told you I went a bit nutty with the whole monkey theme.

I made monkey cupcakes.  The were really too cute.  I can't believe that I didn't get a picture of just the cupcakes...but I think you can see it here.  He was ready to go for it...
He was a little shy and overwhelmed by the whole singing thing...

Um, mom?  That doesn't look organic.
Once he got the hang of it he got really into it!  Look at that look of concentration in his eyes!

He didn't like the cupcakes out of the wrapper...I don't get it but he liked to eat it that way so who am I to judge?
After all that sugar he was a blur of action until he finally crashed.
It was a great party.  I don't think he "got it" but mommy and daddy were very happy to celebrate!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggedity Jig

What a day.  Emotional roller coaster.

Truman's surgery went very well.  The surgeon was able to get a good biopsy of his muscle and was able to do it with a smaller incision than we thought.  He dealt with the anesthesia very well all things considered.  He was on watch for Malignant Hyperthermia which is a scary reaction that can occur with anesthesia.  There are a couple of muscular dystrophies (that the muscle biopsy is actually testing for) that can cause major issues with anesthesia and cause this potentially fatal reaction.  Because they don't know if this is what he has they didn't use the gas to put him under and did everything thru an IV.  Typically they start the IV after giving the gas so instead they gave him a drug called Versed that helped to relax him and actually will make him not remember anything that happened!  He was hilarious when the medicine took effect.  He has such a goofy little grin and would randomly give a big belly laugh.

In recovery he was a bit loopy and very hungry.  It is hard to get him comfortable because the incision is on the top of his upper thigh.  Once we got settled it went smoothly and we were able to wait out the extra time needed to get through the MH precautions.

So, now we wait for the results.  Hopefully it will only be about 30 days before we get everything back.  Between now and then we just live life normally and try and forget that we are actually waiting for something to come back!

One of my favorite things at Children's Mercy is the wagons...they have them for patients to use to cart kids and stuff.  Truman loves them and I was able to grab a couple of cute shots.

Today Truman really seemed like a "big boy" between the wagon ride and seeing him come out of recovery on the stretcher.  He was all propped up and it was just too funny to see how grown up he really has become in the past few months.

Tonight?  Sleep.  I think it will actually happen.

In Surgery

Truman went into surgery at 8:40 a.m.

We are in the waiting room now.  Surrounded by other parents who are trying to keep it together while they wait for their children who are in the hands of someone we have to trust.  The waiting room is wireless.  Proof that we are living in a day of immediate access.

This morning I realized as I walked the halls of Children's Mercy that the families here become a family of our own.  We are all here for the same reason--some for more difficult reasons than others--but we have a common help our children however we can.  It is a family that no one should ever have to be a part of but yet, I realize how blessed I am to be with them.  A shy smile, a simple nod, a wave...all ways to say, in the most basic of ways, that they understand and hope the best for you whatever the situation might be.

So, now we wait.  The doctor should come and see us by 9:45 to let us know how the procedure went.

Then we wait again.  The results will take a month.

Have I ever said how bad I am at waiting for anything?  I can get Internet access in the waiting room so I don't have to wait to post this message...but I have to wait for results that could potentially change our lives forever.  Ah, the irony.

Monday, March 1, 2010

March 2, 2009

I had waited a very long time to get pregnant again.  After the scary experience of Scout's birth and the leftover effects on my heart it was a hard decision.  But I was determined to be a mommy one more time.

The day after I actually got pregnant...way before I would be able to actual get a positive pregnancy test...Chad and I were at lunch and after I took a bite of food I made a face.  I guess it was a familar face because Chad said, "You're pregnant.  I've seen that look before."  I laughed and thought he was crazy.  A few weeks later a digital pregnancy test said Pregnant and I sat down and cried.  I cried for joy, fear, happiness, excitement and most of all I cried because I knew that my wish had finally come true.

I suck at being pregnant.  There is no other way to put it.  My blood pressure went up, I swelled, I was put on bed rest at 22 weeks...but every moment was worth it.  I was actually not too bad at bed rest this time around because I was prepared.  I had incredible doctors.  Dr. Joy Murphy was my OB, Dr. Mike Hadju my cardiologist.  I also saw high risk OB's in KC and had bi-weekly NST's and sonos and monthly echocardiograms.  I was sick but I was OK.

On Friday we did an amnio to check for lung maturity.  On Monday morning we woke up bright and early to head to the hospital for a planned c-section.  Chad, Scout and I stopped for a moment before leaving the house to have one last moment as a family of 3.  We were all so excited but it was also a bit sad to be leaving behind the only family life we had known.  At the hospital I was plugged into machines, got the IV started and everything was pretty relaxed.  My parents came and we took pictures.  Scout and I snuggled together in the bed and I whispered the story of her birth to her.  I held her in my arms and told her how much I loved her and how that would never change.  I thanked her for choosing me to be her mommy and for adding so much to my life.

Eventually it was time and we all headed down the hall together toward the operation room.  I gave my parents a last squeeze and Scout one last only child hug and kiss and headed into the room.

I was given a spinal and my blood pressure actually dropped too low!  That was a feeling I had never experienced.  Chad came in and the doctors started to get ready.  It seemed like only a matter of minutes before they started to perform the c-section.  And only a few more seconds later my little guy came into the world.  At 8:32 a.m.  He gave a little squeak.  Not really a cry.  They brought him around the curtain for me to see him but between the blankets and my tears it was hard to really get a good look.

Once he was on the warming table he started to pink up and then he let out his first wail.  It was a beautiful sound.  I could crane my neck just enough to get a good view and man, he was amazing.  He was covered with hair!  He was a little dink of a guy weighing in at 6 lbs 13 oz and 18 inches long.  He had 10 fingers and 10 toes.  He was gorgeous.  He was mine.

Chad went with him for the check up while I headed to recovery.  Actually I had a few more minutes in the OR to get my tube tied (long story but because of a previous surgery I only had one tube...which make it even more of a miracle that I got pregnant at all.)  I think my doc triple knotted that sucker because no WAY she was going to let me get pregnant again.  It seemed like forever before someone finally came in to tell me that Truman was experiencing some breathing issues so they were keeping him in the nursery to get him stable.  I was a little freaked out but everyone assured me that it was normal, especially for a c-section baby that never had any squeezing from contractions.

Eventually they brought him into me and I got to hold him for the first time.  When you look into the face of your newborn child for the first time it is honestly like no other experience you could ever have.  There are no words to explain the feeling.  This person that you have grown inside of you, who you have been protecting for 9 months, who you have loved before you even met is now in your arms and forever a part of your soul.

We shared a few moments just us and then I was taken back to my room and we let Scout come in to meet her new brother.  She had seen him through the window of the nursery but she was ready to get her hands on him.  When Scout held him for the first time she cried.  She cried and told me through the tears that she was so happy.  Seeing my daughter hold my son was a moment that I could never imagine or forget.  It was magic.

Truman continued to have some breathing issues so he was in and out of the room that night.  We had plenty of visitors as I am sure you can imagine.  The grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends...everyone was so ready to finally meet the newest member of the family.  Everyone commented on his beauty, he eyelashes and his HAIR.  The child had a head full of dark black hair.

From the beginning Truman stole my heart.  There is just something about him.  I have people tell me all the, doctors and nurses, friends, random people on the street...that he has just "something" about him that is impossible to resist.  When he looks at you he really looks at you.  He sees you.

The past year has been full of ups and downs.  We are still on a long journey to discover everything that makes Truman tick.  But with has been the best year of my life.  I am complete.  The piece of me that was missing has been found.  I am so lucky.  My son is a miracle and every day I am reminded how blessed I am to have him in my life.

Tomorrow I will celebrate his first birthday.  We have presents and monky cupcakes and family galore coming over...but for a moment at 8:32 a.m. I will hold him close to my heart and whisper in his ear the story of his birth.  I will tell him how much I love him and how that will never change.  I will thank him for choosing me to be his mommy and for adding so much to my life.  And I will look foward with hope and excitement for what the future holds.

Birthdays and Surgeries

Tomorrow my little boy turns 1.  And mommy isn't doing so well.

I just can't believe that a year has already gone by.  With all of his health issues, work, raising 2 kids, etc., etc., I feel like I barely blinked before my little guy was already rounding a year on earth.  Actually, during the past week Truman has made some significant strides on the development side of things...which makes him seem more like a one year old.

So tomorrow my Tru turns a year old and the next day he will be wheeled away from me heading in for surgery.  Talk about a mixed bag of emotions. 

I am not doing well with the surgery part of things either.  I am trying to put on a brave face.  I am trying to convince myself that he is in incredible hands, some of the best in the world, and that kids roll through routine surgeries like this every day without a problem.  And then this little tickle of thought happens in the back of my mind.  I think about the fact that Truman isn't "normal" and therefore will have much more issues being under anesthesia.  He is only 12 months old and is tiny for his age.  He also isn't as strong as other kids, hence the whole reason for the surgery. 

I keep playing the moment that they will walk away with my baby in my arms over and over again in my head.  I try to not imagine what it would be like to never see my little boy smile at me again or hold my hand or fall asleep in my arms.  I try not to think that there could be any possibility that he wouldn't come home with us.  Tonight at bedtime Scout made me promise that Truman was going to come home from the hospital...and I did.  Of course I did.  And as I walked away I had to fight the urge to scream and pound my fists on the floor and curse whoever made this a conversation that I have to have with my 6 year old.

I keep reminding myself that I am over thinking.  That the surgery is routine.  The surgery is routine dammit.  Why do I feel like this?  Why do I feel like my whole world is falling down around me because of a 20 minute surgery that is performed hundreds of times a year at Children's Mercy.

So instead of dwelling, instead of sitting here continuing to drip tears onto my keyboard...I am going to close out this post and start a new one.  I am going to write about the birth of my son and the incredible year that we have had together.  I am going to focus on the joy that tomorrow truly is in the grand scheme of things.

But I will ask for prayers and good thoughts for my Truman on Wednesday.  Pray for the doctors and nurses.  Pray for Scout as she struggles with her little brother being in surgery.  Pray for my family for strength to continue to support us.  And for a moment stop and be thankful that we are all here to have the opportunity to have the most amazing little guy in our lives.